Mr. Claus returns to Washington

In the House of Wood

Steve Woodhouse

A weary Santa Claus leaned back in his recliner, enjoying a fresh stack of hot pancakes prepared by Mrs. Claus. He was watching Fox News, learning the latest on Congress’ plan to force him to get toys to more boys and girls through legislation.

“This is purely an attempt by the Far Left to impose their will on Santa Claus, a man who has great influence over your children,” Commentator Glenn Beck cried. “It is an abomination and yet one more step to try to KILL Christmas, the goal of President Ocomma, Snooty Palunki and Barry Heid. Rise up, people and vote Congress out in 2010!”

Santa let out a great sigh, as he was preparing to fly to Washington yet again to stare down Congress. After refusing bailout money last year, Santa restructured his operation without government help. His workshop became more productive and his elves, despite being union, were happier than ever. Santa got up and Mrs. Claus helped him put his jacket on.

“It will be all right, Santa,” she said. “Did you get enough to eat?”

“Yes, thank you, dear,” Santa said. “It is just unsafe to face down such a dangerous combination of arrogance, corruption and idiocy on an empty stomach.”

“What are you taking?” she asked.

“I’m taking my Humm-Sleigh. I’m through with kissing their behinds,” Santa said. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and headed for the Humm-Sleigh. As part of the restructuring of his workshop, the reindeer were granted the concession of not having to pull the sleigh except on Christmas Eve.

The Humm-Sleigh is a huge, gas-guzzling, carbon-emitting monstrosity Santa had earned the ability to purchase after years of hard work. He parked it in the Congressional lot, next to the first of Snooty Palunki’s three black SUV’s and headed for the Congressional hearing room.

“Okay, I think we’re about ready for Santa Claus,” Barry Heid said. “Santa is here to give his thoughts on our Christmas toy distribution overhaul.”

The doors of the chamber flung open. They squeaked and opened with such force, a gentle breeze came over those in the room. Standing in the doorway proudly in his red suit, was Jolly Old Saint Nick.

“Welcome, Santa,” Congressman Reason said. “Won’t you please take a seat?” Santa walked down to the table and faced the panel. He poured himself a glass of water and made an opening statement.

“I came here last year and told you that I wanted nothing to do with you people,” Santa said. “Yet here you are, trying to legislate what I can and cannot do with my own, private workshop. I have been making and delivering toys to children for centuries, why do you insist on poking your noses into my business?”

“Because, even here in the richest nation on Earth, there are 46 million children here who do not receive your toys every Christmas,” Palunki said.



“They’ve got parents, don’t they? When they go to local charities, are they turned away? How exactly is mandating that I give every child a toy supposed to improve things?” Santa asked.

“We just don’t think it’s right that you choose to not give these children toys, just because of their behavioral situation,” Heid said. “It isn’t fair.”

“Sure it is, those kids are naughty,” Santa explained. “If I didn’t discriminate against the naughty kids, what motivation is there for children to be nice?”

“We feel that more children should have access to toys from Santa’s workshop,” Palunki said.

“But I’ve based my business model by balancing the naughty and nice children. I’ve been in business for centuries and if you make me do this, I’ll be unable to provide any child the kind of gift they want. Why bring down the quality of Christmas for the good children, just to help out some of the naughty?” Santa asked. “Perhaps a better question is, what gives you the right to cap what I pay myself and pay my employees?”

“That is a good question,” Congressman Reason said. “Santa’s operation is private. Isn’t this interference of government an anti-capitalist, facist move?” Palunki and Heid gave him an evil eye. Reason was intimidated and sunk in his chair.

“You’re right Congressman Reason,” Santa said. “Oh yeah, in the interest of fairness, I understand that I’ll be required to deliver more and special toys to children in the districts of those Senators who hold key votes on this issue. How exactly is that fair?”

“Well...uh...” Heid stammered. “Never mind that, we’re just trying to bring you down to size, Santa. We also need to look into the carbon emissions your workshop is responsible for. You’re melting your own home.”

“Uh, no I’m not,” Santa said. “If it’s melting, how can I be responsible? Aren’t weather patterns subject to nature and God? Why is it you people, who do not believe in any sort of god or intelligent design, can profess evolution in our schools, but try to prevent any sort of natural selection when it comes to climate change?”

“YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER, MR. CLAUS!” Palunki yelled.

“Yeah, I probably am. I’m out of here, there’s no reasoning with you people,” Santa said. He stood and walked to the door. “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

Take care of yourself and thank you for reading.

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