In the House of Wood

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July 23, 2009

Spare the Rod, Spoil the President

Steve Woodhouse The Zope Gazette Thu Jul 23, 2009, 10:35 AM CDT

Knoxville — It’s a tough time in Washington. As we join our heroes, Rep. Snooty Palunki and Sen. Barry Heid, they are trying to deal with the lack of support for health care reform.

“He’s not going to be happy,” Barry said to Snooty as they stood outside the door of the president’s office.

“I know, but if we don’t get firm with him, he will never learn discipline,” Palunki said.

“But I don’t want to look like the bad guy,” Heid worried.

“You won’t look like the bad guy. After all, his popularity is slipping. We need to distance ourselves from him before he drags us down even further,” Palunki said.

“All right. Are you ready?” Heid asked.

“Yes. Remember, we have to be united,” Palunki said. They opened the door and there was little President Ocomma, playing with his Tonka trucks on the floor.

“Hey there, sport,” Heid said as he knelt by the president. “Playing trucks?”

“I sure am. I just can’t wait until I get to play with one of these for real,” the president said.

“We own two car companies now, so I don’t see why not,” Palunki added.

“So how are we coming on health care reform. Do we have it?” the president asked.

“Not yet,” Heid said.

“But I wanted it before recess. Why don’t we have it yet?”

“Because, you see, we’re finding that people are concerned about the spending. They’re starting to realize we just don’t have the money to safely take over the health care system,” Palunki said.

“You could write a check. If you don’t have the money, you could write a check,” the president whimpered. He tilted his head and pouted to try to gain sympathy.

“We grown-ups are still supposed to have money in the bank to back up that check,” Heid said. “Though we’ve been ignoring that throughout your presidency and beyond, the fear of bankrupcy is growing among Americans and frankly, we don’t want to risk our seats just to please you at this point. Not until you start winning people back.”

“BUT I WANT IT NOW!” the president huffed. He folded his arms in front of his chest and fumed.

“You can’t have it now,” Palunki said.

“FINE!” the president yelled. He took a deep breath, puffed out his cheeks and held it.

“Now, come on, sport, be a big boy. Don’t do this,” Heid said.

“NO! Not until I get my health care reform. If I pass out or die from holding my breath, you’ll just have to deal with it and be sorry,” the president warned before resuming his breath hold.

“That’s no way to be. How about this?” Heid said.

“Don’t give in to him. We can’t let him have his way, at least not until he gets back to a 60 percent approval rating,” Palunki said.

“I’m not letting him have his way,” Heid told her. “I’m just trying to compromise.”

“How about this? What if we wait to reform health care. We’ll take all the blame for the delay and you can come out saying you tried, but we stubborn, old meanies didn’t let you have your way. How’s that sound?” Heid asked.

“Can I take another American apology tour? Take my girl out for an expensive date on the taxpayer’s dime again? Let my buddies take another joyride in Air Force One?” the president asked.

“Sure, anything you want, just try to keep it on the down low so it doesn’t make us look even more incompetent,” Palunki said.

“Okay,” the president said. “I’ll wait.”

“There’s my big president. How about some ice cream?” Heid suggested. The three of them left the office and headed for the nearest ice cream stand.

Take care of yourself and thank you for reading.

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